Oh, the sweet life of a twenty-one-year-old. He was so active on purpose and we were proud of him. He made me laugh so hard the night he left to go out. That was my last time to see him dance around and spit out jokes. So much had taken place and I was remembering all that he was involved in, but I just knew God would intervene and raise him up. There were no tears, but eyes wide open as to not miss seeing him when he would get up and walk.
I paced back and forth while Mike made phone calls to family and friends. Still, in shock, we walked over to the atrium in the hospital and leaned over when I heard Mike say: “who have I not called?” Instantly, the Lord said, “You have not called Me.” WOW! At that moment we found ourselves in route to the chapel to pray and ask for forgiveness. All we could do then was trust God for the outcome. We believed God healed Josh that day when we prayed because he gained sensation in his legs before surgery and all. Moving forward was crucial and I believed there was a purpose in his pain, and there is power in purpose.
I had already said ‘No” in a roundabout way, meaning, this is not true, not happening. I had no idea that I was actually saying no while God was saying trust me. Josh was alive and we were able to see him, feel him in the bed instead of a coffin. I did remind God that Josh was an active church member, choir member and helped with the youth. He played semi-pro football and loved to make people laugh. He worked hard every day and we were so proud of him. Our daughter’s response was, “I should have been the one in the accident, not Josh.” I quickly told her that God was in control and not to speak like that.
I knew I needed help. My ‘No” was not a “no I don’t believe God can fix this,” it was “No this is the wrong accident.” It was a dream. Car accidents were not my friend. Please! I have found my self now for seventeen years wandering around and around waiting for night to turn into day and it’s still night. No disrespect, just being truthful and it feels good to get it out because I’m human. I always need help. For example, when I dedicated Josh to the Lord I had no idea all that I was saying yes to and agreeing to. God knew this day would come but it wasn’t my time to know until it actually happened.
I know any mother will understand my heart. There is no blaming, or pointing a finger, it is just accepting the fact that this is real. Well, one of the good things to come out of it all is my love for the word. I loved God’s word all along but I really love His word now. God helped me work out my own stuff. Forgive me for not instantly saying “yes” to Your will when my world stopped. Thank You, Lord, for Redemption. “Where would I be? You only know, I’m glad you see through eyes of love. A hopeless case, and empty place if not for GRACE.” (Clint Brown) My tears are gathered. “I waited patiently for the Lord, And he inclined to me and heard my cry.” Psalm 40:1 jramey